God is also the God of the routine...

I've been back from Israel for two weeks and have returned to my usual daily grind with one exception. My heart is no longer here.

I've been reluctant to talk about my trip with anyone who didn't travel with us, for fear of being misunderstood and/or interrupted mid-sentence and told about my "spiritual high." Both have happened already. Several times. I'm not usually one who cares about what people think of me but this is so intensely personal and self-consuming that the hurt travels a little deeper when my audience misjudges my experience.

Maybe I'm not communicating myself clearly. That's a huge possibility. After Saturday's meeting with Rachael and Sunday's Nazareth reunion lunch, I've found that most of us have yet to really start intellectually and emotionally unpacking. I, for one, hope this is a long process. I don't want to over-analyze, spend a few weeks with a pit in my stomach and move on. I am changed. I need to live, changed.

My new challenge is reconciling the changed me with the me that gets up early and plods into work five days a week. On the last night of our trip we dined in Tel Aviv and got to talk about our trip. How incredible it is that such a simple act: visiting and praying with people, telling them they are truly valued and loved...reflected such love. Every household, and some of their neighbors and landlords, all wanted to know why we were there. They could not fathom why some kids from America would want to visit their homes. Day-in and day-out their city fills with tourists visiting the holy sights, only to ignore the citizens of Jesus' hometown. This sentiment was repeated over and over throughout our stay and how convicting! At four days, we were the longest-staying group in our hotel's history and unless people really look, there's not much to see in Nazareth and no reason to stay longer than 1-2 days. A deeper look into the city's fabric would reveal deep pits and pockets of poverty, discouragement and faithlessness; I don't imagine most tourists of the Holy Land want to see such imperfections. I was incredibly humbled, and mightily encouraged.

Humbled and encouraged. That's where you'll find me. Humbled because despite their lack of excess, the Israeli people can't NOT serve and love. They live in small homes and apartments and yet insisted that all thirty of us be seated. One home had ONE box of food in their cupboard and the mother still sent her daughter to the corner store to buy some juice for all of us. They would've made us their best meal if we hadn't insisted and pleaded that they just sit and tell us their stories (mind you, we were also discreetly dropping off care packages of food. We weren't at these homes by chance; teachers of the children in these homes relayed their information to our contact because they were struggling). We are so much more able than we realize.

Encouraged because despite the intense discouragement and scrutiny they face everyday, they keep fighting. Many many Christians have moved out of Nazareth and their supportive cocoon continues to shrink. Four times a day messages from the mosque speakers blare over their neighborhoods, telling them that if they don't believe in Allah and follow Islam, they are "counted amongst the losers." And yet, they keep praying. They don't have the church structure or visibility Christians in America have access to and yet, they keep praying. They were so amazing by us, yet we learned so much from them.

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God was stirring things in my heart months before we left. I started praying for guidance as soon as this opportunity was presented. I felt like God was saying, "if you don't go now, when are you going to go?" God's calling seemed pretty clear: Go to Israel and Nazareth, open your heart and be my hands and my feet.

That calling was validated beyond my wildest imagination while I was there. I shouldn't be surprised...this year has been a huge lesson in getting out of the way; from losing my job in April, losing another job in August, and my current boss giving me an out (in a good way) if I "felt like there was somewhere else I needed to be." Combine this with the incredible things God has been showing me in Word, prayer and through others, and the message is pretty clear. I always imagined a life of serving but life and expectations became blinders for what that truly meant. I see now how I pursued servitude through the various vocations I've had over the years, and how God is now asking me to come up higher. At the Wall I prayed for the Holy Spirit, wanting to be more in tune the ebb and flow of God's movement, and it's almost a "be careful what you wish for" type of experience. :) Basically, I've had this dream in the far corners of my heart and now it's right in front of me. Trying to reconcile disbelief (me, God? really?) with the complete peace I'm also feeling has been an interesting roller coaster, but along with how to translate the Holy Spirit's movement, I've been learning to receive, becoming okay with being treasured and given the desires of my heart. I didn't think I had issues with that until recently...

All that to say I think God wants me back in Nazareth. For how long, and doing what, I'm not sure. I'd be happy cleaning M's house and hanging out with the students, if that's all He wanted. I would love to work with A and M and help them formulate their goals. They have so many amazing ideas and are fully capable of putting them together. They just need someone to help them put a plan in place. They have so much going on that they don't have time to make it happen on their own. I see too, how the Christians in Nazareth are in the teenage phase of their faith, which is probably why I love them so much. Slimon said it well when he said they were living in the past and needed to be brought to the future. They mirror the teenagers at Journey...coming out from under the faith of their fathers and learning to make it on their own. Such an interesting time for them.

Wherever Journey is with their Nazareth plans, I plan to be a part of it. It will take a little bit for Journey to figure out what their continued involvement looks like. In the meantime, like the Christians in Nazareth, we will pray.

Decompression

I'm back from Israel, though I left a Hansel and Gretel-like trail of pieces of my heart throughout the Galilean region. I'm still sorting through everything...it'll be a long process and I hope to be better about including you in that journey.

I will have my journal ready to post soon. I also ask simply that you include me in your prayers. I feel an adventure approaching.

-a